Hallelujah

This week, I was asked to summarize this next semester into one word for how I was going to minister to the girls on my hall...and that one word came to my mind: Hallelujah.

You see, Hallelujah doesn't even begin to cover it.

Lately, I have been working through a lot. I have been under huge amounts of spiritual warfare (some of you will think I'm crazy, some of you will understand) and I've been dealing with a ton of trust issues, value issues, selfishness , restlessness, and jealousy. If you know me, I'd rather not be dealing with ANY of the above alone, needless to say we shouldn't add in the spiritual stuff.

You see, in dealing with these things...I have been doing a ton of yelling at God. I wouldn't recommend it...(this is where you imagine me humbly bowing and saying "Heavenly Father I come before you tonight to humbly say...WTF ARE YOU UP TO, MAN?!" ...kidding-- to an extent).

In these situations, when I am at my end and frustrated it is so easy for me to take it out on God. It is easy for me to stop praising him for all the little things and the big things. It is easy to become a hermit and stew about how you deserve more than this and how the Lord never listens to you and just gives all these x-number of people everything and you nothing. I mean, maybe you don't...but I do, and that is what I call the "ugly" side of my spirituality. I become a greedy bratty baby towards the Lord. What a serious shame.

You see, I serve the creator of the universe. The being that I claim created the heavens and the earth and everything in between. I claim to wake up every day and die to myself to live for this being that I know is present...and I have the gumption to act like a spoiled 5 year old.

Some days, my humanity embarrasses me.

I forget all too easily that if I claim Christ, I claim his timing; if I claim Christ I claim to be living for him and not for myself. I claim to love the least of these. I claim to love like Christ. I claim to be the hands and feet of Christ.

Why do I so often in a time of great frustration or trial hide my cross under my bed and forget everything I proclaim? Why do I suddenly become so much like Peter the night Christ was crucified?

I chose Hallelujah because the Lord your God is worthy of praise no matter what. We are infinitely blessed. We are not blessed because we live in the United States or some other wealthy country. We are not blessed because we can afford a car and college. Don't get me wrong-- those are blessings...but we are blessed because the Creator of the Universe chose to create us- and to love us beyond our faults. He chose to send his son to die a horrific death for our faults. We are blessed because he adores us whether we claim him or not-- we are blessed because to him, we are enough.

Hallelujah is sometimes the only word that I can get out lately. It is the word of "Lord, my soul is so broken and torn right now that I can't speak--but I will say hallelujah because you are worthy of my praise; because you will see me through this. Because you are sovereign."

I chose Hallelujah because if I teach my girls nothing else, I want them to know that the Lord is in control, and even when praising him is the last thing we want to do- He alone is worthy of our praise...

So,

Hallelujah! --"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”-- Joshua 1:9

Stories

Sometimes I lose sight of my dreams.

Don't we all?

I have dreams of living out this incredible story. I dream of loving myself, of being this powerful Christian speaker that is so in love with God that it radiates to those surrounding me. I dream of being a wife that is loved, a wonderful mother to children that I have both given life to myself, and those that I have adopted in with my love. I dream of writing books, and leaving a legacy.

I dream of being remembered as that person that just loved God and others with every ounce of her being.

But all too often, I catch myself far from my dream. Or, I feel like I'm far from my dream.

I know it is becoming a semi- obsession (but not really...yet) but Donald Miller has this quote that I love. A quote that I tell my students, but one I never really apply to myself.

"Every life is like a story. Whether its worth telling and talking about, though, is up to you. People set out with grand dreams of changing the world, falling in love, doing something amazing. But the drift towards the merely acceptable happens almost without notice. That does not have to be your story." -Donald Miller (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years)

I don't say this to state that I think that I have a boring story now. I've actually had a pretty good story so far. There have been good times, and there have been some really hard times, but in all honesty, its my story. I wouldn't change it. However, I feel like I'm drifting to the merely acceptable and I'm only 19. There have been amazing opportunities that God has laid out for me, and I know there are more to come...but I feel as if I'm stuck on the path. Maybe we come across pauses in our paths so that we can work on ourselves. So that we can take a break and allow God to fix what is broken within us. Maybe the pit stop is part of the journey.

Whatever the situation, I can't help but to feel like stagnant water. Do any of you ever feel like that? I know I'm not alone.

I don't feel any growth. But even worse, I often feel too lazy to even try to grow. How sad is that?! I spend more time complaining that I'm not growing and changing or reaching my dreams than I do actually trying to reach the dreams.

You know the lukewarm Christian that Paul writes about in Revelation? I'm who he is talking about. Neither here nor there, and just fine with the mediocre.

That simply cannot happen any more. Mediocrity cannot be my life.

I think as a blog, this is more of a resolution. A resolution to no longer be mediocre. I want to be the best version of me possible.

There is so much of me that has developed because I've tried to fashion myself after Christ, but there is also so much of me that is completely and totally human. But I guess the positive here is that I see it. However, there is another part to all of this. I've got to keep myself in check with my dreams. Do I want to leave a legacy that speaks for myself? Or do I want to leave one that speaks to how amazing my Creator made me to be?

I know and believe that God has created my life to do something amazing. I just have to remember not to take the credit for myself. I've got to remember to not let my humanity take over. Sometimes I can see what I desire in life so clearly that it makes me impatient. Like, I know what I want...I just want it now. And this is when my friend patience likes to show up and taunt me.

But you know what? That is the great thing about stories. They don't all happen at once. They take time. They move at their own rate, and each with their own different twists and turns. They all have characters that are stronger in some areas than others, all with different dreams, and the best part? They all have a different beginning, climax, and ending.

I think that is one of the most beautiful things about life. We all have different stories, and every so often, we get to choose who we allow in our stories, and who we merge our stories with.

Personally, I think that there is a moment when we either consciously or subconsciously decide which direction we are going to let our lives go. Do we follow the harder path that leads to a greater view? Or do we go down the easier path to the view that we are more comfortable with?

God didn't create us with curiosity and ambition to live a mediocre life with acceptable views. He created us to live to our fullest potential. To stand at the peak of the mountain and have your breath taken away by all that He has laid out for you.

He created us to live amazing stories. But he doesn't promise us perfect stories. Nothing is going to be perfect in this life. There are going to be hardships, there are going to be obstacles, there are going to be rock slides. We all have a choice though, get stuck in the hardships, or have a hand there to help us pull through.

I think this is the part of my story where I realize that I am my own biggest obstacle. This is where I realize that I have been empowered and made to live a great story. This is where I learn to truly forgive, where I learn how to let myself truly heal, where I learn to let my glass walls down. This is where I admit, I have been happier, and this is me choosing to move forward with my story. I honestly want to live a life that is worthy of "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Living a story worthy of telling isn't always going to be easy. But what is a good story without a few trials and tribulations? It makes the fact that you survived to tell the tale all the more sweet.

No more stagnant water. It isn't healthy. Live a life worthy of praise. (and I'm not just talking humanly praise here, people.)

Now, I can't lie...I've got to go physically sleep now.

Just My Opinion.

My question as of late is, who put faith in a box? It seems to me more and more people are buying in to commercialized faith that comes with "pre-set boundaries". Like its a small package that you buy at an absurd price in a department store.

I just don't get it.

Who decided that it would be a good idea to put human standards on a God that they claim to be Holy and more capable of things than any human. Too often I feel like people immerse themselves in boxes of belief. They feel that if they don't have an answer for every little thing that it is causing them to question their faith.

Just a reminder: Faith= Firm belief in something for which there is no proof: Complete trust.

We are human, it is okay to question, because more often than not, the questioning will make you stronger AND you usually come out with a more solid reason of why you believe what you believe.

Before you pass out thinking I am asking you to completely question every single aspect of your faith, just know that I am simply saying that you cannot settle for commercialized faith. You've got to have your own relationship, story, your own...well, everything. Fanny Mae's faith isn't what you're going to be held accountable for.

I think we as Christians like to spend too much time arguing among ourselves and too little time serving others.

My favorite argument? Creationism. While I believe God created everything, and Genesis and all- why put a human-day limit on everything?

2 Peter 3:8 says "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day."

I'm just saying, I find it completely reasonable to think that Gods' time isn't like ours, and who is to say that it didn't take thousands of years for the universe to form? Don't you believe that if God is the God you claim him to be, he can do that? I'm not saying that he didn't do it in 7 human days, because honestly I obviously wasn't there. What I'm saying is, don't put limits on God. Don't get into unnecessary arguments, where no one is going to see the other person's side, instead put that time to good use...like feeding the hungry or clothing the poor.

The thing about all of this is people don't really like that answer because it causes them to feel uncomfortable. Not much about faith is really comfortable. Why? Because its faith.

Its the beauty of Christianity.

I have this quote from Donald Miller that I really just love,

"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don’t really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don’t believe in God and they can prove He doesn't exist, and there are some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it’s about who is smarter, and honestly I don’t care."

I choose to care about others. Its not that I desire to be shallow and have no support to what I believe, because I do- I'm just suggesting that there are more important matters.

I don't want you all to leave this blog thinking I am some type of blasphemous Christian. All I am trying to say is, don't let your faith come pre-packaged in a box. Take time to find out who God truly is, and find your own convictions among scripture. Spend the time that you would be arguing with others about your opinions and spend time loving each other and loving those in need. Take time to stop arguing about the Bible, and actually take the time to share it. Don't argue about who Jesus is. Be who he is.

Be Jesus to the world folks. All these issues will die with your flesh, but the truth will live on.

Waiting

This week I have really been thinking a lot on waiting...as weird as it sounds. I think on waiting for things, and not settling for less than I deserve. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to beat down doors that obviously aren't supposed to be opened for me...and while I wait outside the door for it to be opened, I have really been pondering this verse:

"I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything, in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:11-13.

I have no idea why I try to make myself believe that I need more than I have now, but I guess that is just part of being human. Sometimes, we all want things that aren't good for us.

Everything will happen in it's own perfect timing.

Don't awaken change before it's time.

Don't move ahead before it's time.

Don't try to grow up before it's time.

Don't awaken love before it's time.

Doing anything before it's time will probably be disastrous, trust me, I know.

Things are going to happen, whether good or bad. We all just have to hold strong through the storm.

True contentment, well, for me at least, is when I know I'm doing what God wants me to do, or in a situation that God wants me to be in. That being the case, I don't know why I try to change things or get them rolling before their time. Let it be.

(no, this is not me being a lazy, non-go-getter, this is for those situations that you just have to wait. Just saying.)

Real

So, a few nights ago I had this weird dream that has really been bothering me...

In my dream, I had been asleep but woke up and went into another room to get something, and when I came back in the room, the rapture was happening. Like angel in the air (yeah, had a loin-cloth and everything- sadly cliche angel) and fire everywhere and low and behold, THERE WAS JESUS! So, what did I do? I fell on my face and said "Messiah! Please, remember me." But at that moment...I think the worst feeling I've ever experienced hit me- (or, one of them). I remember thinking in my dream "Oh, crap. I did absolutely nothing with my life and now, I don't have a chance to fix it." But the worst part is, Christ had no idea who I was...because I had only claimed his name my entire life, but never truly KNOWN him.

As much as I'd love to say that I mad this up, totally didn't. I can see it in my mind as if it had just happened. But the relief? I woke up.

I feel like everyone has different worst fears...fears of spiders and snakes, fears of tornadoes- heck, even fears of ladybugs. And while these fears are valid and I share the fear of the like first three...In all honesty, my worst fear is living for something in vain; Living like I knew God- but never actually taking the time to know him.

I give people a lot of crap for professing to know who God/Christ is,but living in a different way. But then I get to thinking...what is the difference between those people and me? I don't necessarily read my Bible daily like I should, and I tend to fall a lot, but in reality...I'm just as much of a hypocrite as they are...I'm just better with my actions.

CS Lewis has this quote: "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The one thing it cannot be is moderately important."

I guess my point in all of this, is that if you are going to do something- you either for it, or you're not. If you believe something- you either believe it or you don't. I know there are a lot of ifs, ands and buts in the grey areas- but in reality it can be either summed up one way or another.

Revelation 3:16 says "Because you are lukewarm-- neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth". I mean, God isn't going to literally spit you out of his mouth...but its saying- you either know him, or you don't. You either live for him- or you don't. I think for me, I've got to remember that at the end of my time, I don't want to look back and see all of the times that I should have done one thing, but did another. I don't want to have that "Oh, crap!" feeling. The feeling of knowing that I did all that I could do, the feeling of knowing that I lived for God- THAT is the feeling that I want to experience.

This really trickles into everyone's faith practice. I don't know of anyone that wants to see a "fake Christian". Let's be real, they annoy ALL of us. The world would probably rather see someone be real than be a hypocrite any day. Kind of like a sales- person (yes, I am using this example. No, I am not equating a Christian with a sales-person.) When you are buying something- are you going to buy from the guy that you feel like is full of crap? Or are you going to buy from the guy that you felt was real with you?

Unless you have a thing for greasy sales-people, you are going to go with the real person.

I just think that we all need to be real with ourselves and be real with everyone else. In the end, you either lived for something, or you didn't. Just be real, the world doesn't need another fake.

Personally, I don't care to lie to everyone else- and I don't care to lie to myself. If I am who I say I am, and if I plan on being the Minister/ Missionary that I believe that I'm supposed to be- I should probably start reflecting this more and more in my life.

Don't get me wrong, its not like I'm NOT who I say I am, I am who I say I am...I could just use some improvement. But couldn't we all? (is there any more room for another 'I'?!)

Anyhow, thanks for reading this somewhat random post. Couldn't be as random as my last one, right?

So...is the Messiah is going to remember me? Yeah, buddy.

Jennie

You

It seems like every time I go to write now, I just can't put words to my thoughts. Like, I know what I want to say, but I'm not quite sure how to say it- or maybe I'm just too caught up in which subject I'll chose to talk about next. There is nothing like finally getting your words out there- like you're finally being heard. Well, this post might be a bit different than the rest- but who doesn't like different?

I guess there is no better place to start with my thoughts than from the beginning.

My friend Kristin has this quote in her room that says, "Wishing to be someone else is a waste of who you are." Until recently, I haven't realized how true that statement is. I catch myself wishing I were someone else, looked like someone else, had traits and qualities of someone else. But for what? So that I could be "happier". I think what it all boils down to is insecurities that I've ignored for a long time that are finally surfacing in my head. Insecurities of going to a school with beautiful people, having friends that I feel are gorgeous while I feel well, less than. I don't say all of this to make you all think that I have low self-esteem or self worth- because honestly I don't- I think it all is just me deciding what voice to listen to in my head. Do I listen to the thought that says "You are NOT that pretty. This is why no guy ever takes a second look at you. Its all based on the outside. You need to fix that." or the one that says "You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are beautiful- don't compare yourself to the others. You are YOU. Sure, there may be room for improvement- but you can do it! Don't get yourself down." More often than not, the little demon singing the ugly song wins.

What? Don't be so shocked. I'm pretty sure everyone struggles with this. Even if we don't admit it. There is always a voice in the back of your head whispering lies to yourself. I think that this little voice, is what leads us to wishing ourselves away. We get so caught up in what we could be, and not who we are- so caught up in what we could have, instead of what we have. In fact, I think if people would stop longing for money, social "worth", relationships, etc. they would have the time to realize just how many awesome things they have in their lives! They can realize just how AWESOME they are; they can SEE their blessings.

God made you, YOU for a reason. He blessed you with special talents, thoughts, abilities- for a reason; so that you can USE them! Lets say you could just pick up a Cello and play it perfectly without even trying, but you really want to play guitar- and can't play it worth a lick. What are you going to do? Are you going to use your gifts and stun the world with you cello skills? Or will you chose to attempt to play the guitar- in hopes that one day it might actually sound like music? As random as this example may be- think about it. Why allow yourself to be down about something that you are bad at- when you could be celebrating something that you are amazing at!

I guess I just say all of that to remind people to celebrate who they are, and to love themselves. Concentrate on the good, and not the bad. Don't dwell in what could be; dwell in what IS. Be excited about who you are! Here, I'll set the example.

I'm Jennie. I have an awesome life! I have been blessed with an amazing family, and some awesome friends. I am able to go to a wonderful college, to pursue what I want in life. I may get down on my appearance some days- but I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I'm really good at making people feel comfortable and loved- and I can be loud and obnoxious- but also witty. People feel safe to talk to me- and I love being able to love on people. I may be single- but that is so I can concentrate on the friendships and people that need a little more love- and concentrate on spending more time with my awesome God- and I know that one day I'll be pursued. I'm not always satisfied with my life, but at the moments I need it most- God sends me little pieces of hope and light. I have been blessed beyond measure- and I can sleep knowing I'm safe and loved tonight- and that is the best thing I could ever ask for. Maybe I can't sing or dance- maybe I can't be organized- maybe I'm not the "coolest" person in the world, but I'm me and I know I'm who God wants me to be- and THAT is all I will ever want.

BE who you are, and don't be ashamed.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You."-Dr. Seuss

Yes, I ended with the Seuss. Appreciate it.

Agape

As some of you know, I have seriously been thinking of getting a tattoo. I realize that half of you want to pee yourself with excitement- while the others want to pee themselves in fear.

Before anyone pulls out scripture or anything...let me explain.

I want Agape on my wrist.

Agape- God's love.

I want this tattoo to be on my wrist as a constant reminder to myself that I'm not here by chance- I'm here to make a difference. I'm here to reflect the love that has been shown to me, and to serve. I want to be the hands and feet, I want to love like Christ loves-As unglorious and dirty as it may be sometimes. I want this to be a symbol to myself, and to others, a promise I am making. I will serve those around me. I will be a pastor, a servant, and a woman of God. More so than I am right now. I want to look back when I am 80, and explain to my grandchildren why I have this tattoo on my wrist. I want to know that I lived, and got that tattoo when I was 19 and remember where my heart was and to see how it grew over the years. I want to be reminded daily that God's love is the purest of loves, and the love that I am most unworthy of...I want to be constantly reminded to be humble.

Some of you may say, "Jennie- write it on a post-it or something! Don't permanently do this to yourself!"

While I appreciate this...you do things your way, and I'll do things mine. I am merely putting decoration on the temple.

I want to always remember that,

"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful." -Rob Bell

Just wanted to share.

-jennie

DC Thoughts

As some of you know, this past week I spent my spring break on a mission trip in Washington D.C.. I don't tell you this to get an applause, but to share reflections on my week.

Last week was definitely one of the most eye-opening weeks I have had in my life. I met homeless men with faith so great that I feel like I could only dream of it. I saw elderly women living by themselves in dirty homes, with no one to take care of them or spend the rest of their days with. I met people that had lived in DC all of their lives, but had never made it out of their neighborhoods to see the monuments. I met kids that just wanted to be loved on. I met homeless men that just took things as they came- and I saw others who are spending their lives to better other's.

Last week I was reminded that Jesus only asks us to do a few simple things. Take care of the widows and orphans. feed the hungry, clothe the homeless, treat our neighbor as ourselves, and to love God with all of our hearts, souls, and minds.

How distorted this has become.

Being a Christian in this modern world seems sometimes a self-righteous religion. For many, it is. But what they forget is that God asks us to do everything humbly. These Christians that say "Hey! Look at me and all I have done!" are no better than the priests and other church officials that Jesus himself often condemned. The very men that claimed to be followers of God, were more concerned with the decorative robes on their backs and having the attention- than really helping God's people. This seems all too similar to Christians today.

Christians are called to be the hands and feet of Christ here on earth. We are to do everything that Christ himself would do. We are to love, we are to tend to those that need mending, and we are to take care of one another- not just donate 20 cents to the salvation army at Christmas time.

I met a man named Mark last week. He was in his early 30's, handsome and very well dressed. Mark was homeless and going through a rehabilitation program at a men's homeless shelter. The men that we worked with were kind enough to share their stories and testimonies. Just a few years ago, Mark was a lieutenant in the DC Police. He was married to a beautiful woman, and had two children. Three years later, there is another man living in his house with his wife and kids- and he is in the shelter. He made the comment that no one ever came looking for him...and no one knows if he is alive or dead. But Mark said something I will never forget,

"I have more now then I ever did then...I would do anything to have my wife and kids back, but I have a God that has always and will always provide for me. I'm here to look after my brothers."

Not only Mark, but the other men going through the program with him all had faith so great...they were confident that God has and will always provide for them. They were more concerned about one another's well being as well as our well being than anything else. I honestly was humbled. Men who had everything taken away from them had more faith and hope in God than I do...and I've been blessed with food to eat and a roof over my head every night as well as so much more.

I was reminded that all I really have in this life, is me. Not saying that I can only rely on myself. But the only thing I truly poses in life...is my body- my...being. All I can honestly give to God is me. All I can give to my friends and family, is my love and support and friendship. I have nothing else that I can truly give.

Sometimes I wonder what this world would look like if we all just forgot about earthly success and just started caring for one another. I wonder if Christians actually started acting like Christ did, what a change would occur.

Last week I saw more of Jesus through the people we served, and the people that helped serve them every week than I have in many Christians or Christian organizations.

They don't just say, they do. Not only that, but they humbly admit that they have struggles and aren't perfect. They admitted that they could be hypocrites at times, but they were human. They reminded me that sitting in a Church pew every Sunday and singing doesn't make you a Christian just like standing in a garage making car noises doesn't make you a car.

If you talk the talk, walk the walk. Do what Jesus asks, and follow his actions. Love others, serve them and be humble. Do nothing for the glory of you, do it all for the glory of God.

Be a Christ follower.

The hardest part of this week wasn't seeing everything I saw, but seeing it and realizing that at the end of the week I was leaving to go back to my cushy life. I have never been so humbled, and so confused. God used these men and women to show me what I had been missing; a servant's heart.

I will walk in the ways of Christ, and serve as he served. I will be the hands and feet, because that is what I am asked to be. I can't lie and say I will never struggle with this, because I admit that I have struggles daily. But its the struggles that make you stronger.

-jennie

Just a Shout Out

So, as you all could tell- I've really been struggling this past week. I just wanted to write to you and say I'm sorry if I come across as bitter, harsh, or a whiner. Blogging is my thing, and this is how I let stuff out. We all have our weeks- and this has just been mine. From being super stressed- to bruising my tail bone, you guys have heard...or read it all. I'm not a bitter debbie downer, and I don't want you all to think that. I just try to be honest with my struggles so that you all might not feel so alone if you feel the same way. Thanks for reading my thoughts, kids. A new day is on the horizon :)

love,

-jennie

Ramblings of a Hungry Kid...

So, as most of you know I am doing this thing called The Daniel Fast...

Don't worry, this is the type of fasting you can talk about.

The past three days have been a real struggle both physically and mentally. But as life normally is, it has not been short on blessings.

I'm starting to realize, that things like food are just things of instant gratification. Like "ooh, that piece of cake looks good, I think I'll have one..." and BOOM! Desire fulfilled. But how many other things in our lives can we apply that to? Almost everything. The world today is filled with what I like to call "on demand" things. We have the internet, which can find what we are looking for almost instantly, we have fast food restaurants that give us food (almost) instantly, for goodness sakes, we have on- demand television. But as helpful and nice as it all is, it cheats us out of different gifts...like the gift of patience.

I can't lie, a struggle I have had recently is my single status. No matter how hard I pray, no matter how good I feel about where I am in life, I feel like I'm getting nothing. Like the big guy can't hear me. Then I think, well is what I'm asking for absurd? No...I don't think so. I mean, it is said that God knows the desires of your heart...and ask and it will be given to you...but why isn't anything happening? Why do I pray for contentment, when I do not receive it? But then it is pointed out to me, that I'm praying for the wrong thing...I need to pray for patience.

Patience and I...we aren't too great of friends. If I could, I would totally ask God for a written out plan for my life...but things don't work like that, now do they? I'm so used to getting what I ask for almost instantly, and now...I feel like I am entitled to insta-man! As nice as that would be, I have to come to terms that maybe what I am waiting for is just around the corner- and I just need to be patient and wait just a little longer. I realized, that I am content. I have amazing friends, an amazing family...my life, it is good. If this is my biggest complaint to God...then really, I have nothing to begrudge at all. There is more to this world than me. I should be more worried about the starving, hurting, and homeless. I should concentrate more on others than myself, and one day- when I least expect it- something amazing will happen.

So as lame as I feel about this...there it is guys. We all have struggles- and this is mine. I'm on day 3 of the fast, and well- I'm excited to see what God has in store.

But one thing I have realized, is that in this instant gratification thing, my valentines day has been instantly fixed, I'll spend it loving others, and the One that loves me the most. (I think we all know who that is....and if you don't it starts with a G and ends with od. Just if you were wondering...) Sorry to be so corny, but it is the truth. BTW- I AM SOOOO STILL WEARING BLACK! haha

Thanks for reading this post, guys :) Now, I've got to run to class.

-jennie

Thoughts.

Does the fact that I feel too weak to fight for what I want mean I'm lazy? I mean, stemming from my past- that every time I've fought for what I wanted, the battle was won by someone else?

Sometimes I wish that the scars left on my life weren't there. I wish that I could just move past it all and live without fear, but that is impossible. I blame God, when I know I shouldn't, for letting me get hurt. But why blame him when I said that I trusted him and then took things upon myself? Perhaps I am impatient and selfish...that could very well be true...but if God knows the desires of my heart, why wouldn't he grant me that? Yes, I know that his timing is perfect, and that he has reasons beyond my knowledge, but sometimes I just wish he would bless me with contentment. I am content sometimes...but the moment I celebrate my contentment, it is taken away once more. Yes, I realize that I sound like a whiny child...but you know we all think it! And if I'm the only one...whoops!

I firmly believe in God, and his plan for my life...my question is, when will my hopes and dreams be fulfilled? I love God, and I will follow him wherever he leads...but sometimes, I just wonder why I feel the way I do...and then, I realize I am only human.

I am starting a 21 day Fast today, and I will be praying for contentment, strength, and searching for other answers in my life. I just needed to get some thoughts out this first day.

God will never leave us, or forsake us...even in his silence- I choose to believe.

-jennie.

Love.

Last night we all sat up and listened to a sermon given by my friend Ben's youth pastor. She spoke on Love.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a big fan of love. Not the mushy "I will love you forever", "Hey, let's go rent a Nicholas Sparks Movie" "love", but straight up love. As in, Love God, Love Others, Love the World. Besides, Nicholas Sparks movies make me bitter. Not a fan. But love, real love- I find it amazing.

Because I believe that love is real.

I have heard many times that "love" is a chemical reaction in the body and what not. Well, to an extent, yes, but love is more than that; it is a choice. Love is loving and supporting someone and listening to them, even when you are in the worst mood and completely exhausted. Its being there with the person when it feels like everyone has walked away. Love is placing someone higher than yourself and doing all that you can to insure that they are okay. Love knows no bounds and yes, often requires sacrifice. Love is selfless.

I aim to love, and honestly- I don't expect to be loved in return.

I am called to love. Yes, I know that sounds weird- but we all are. God sets the example- and we are to follow.

Just look at who Jesus spent his time with; the lowest of the low. He was constantly loving everyone around him, even if it hurt. Heck, he even loved Judas after the betrayal. I often feel like people and the church forget what love actually is. They forget why the church was created.

Just a reminder: The church was created to carry out the works of Christ. AKA: WE NEED TO BE LOVING PEOPLE AND HELPING THEM! It is time to stop passing judgement and love.

Love can be the most freeing thing on earth. Yes, it can come with a price, but in the end- it will all be restored and worth it.

Sometimes, I feel like people think that "love" really is that corny poo that is found in most Nicholas Sparks movies. As you can tell, I don't watch anything Nicholas Sparks...personally, I think that it over idealizes certain situations and raises people's expectations. Not that I don't believe it could happen- but I feel like girls get all sorts of ideas in their heads and condemn the heck out of the poor guy next to them that isn't a model/actor professing his undying love for her on the spot. Plus, I feel like it tarnishes love. Like I said, love is more than just a feeling, and well, this doesn't exactly show all that love can be.

Romantic love and what not is filled with emotion and feeling, but yet again, it also plays into making a choice (and everything I have already talked about). Every day, we choose to love.

I challenge all of you to choose to love. Just to love. It will be difficult at times, but love never fails. Love as the Father loves you.

Don't think I am just saying this, I believe it. And no, I am not naive. Love can change people, situations, and your life.

LOVE,

jennie

The Trust Issue

Let's face it, I think we all have trust issues. We are all scared that something or someone is going to come along, and disrupt and or destroy your life.

I know I have that fear.

I talk a lot about how if you decide to follow Christ, live it out. Well, if you say you trust in God...I think the only logical thing to do is act like it. Stop trying to take the reigns back on your life, because in the end...you'll end up in a ditch somewhere. Maybe literally, but hopefully we are just talking metaphorically right now. (Yes, I felt like imagining two people trying to direct a horse drawn carriage...just stick with the corny imagery for effect, okay?)

My question is, why would the creator of the universe try to ruin you? Exactly, he wouldn't. He has your best interest at heart, and only wants the best for you. Why do we all try to fight the tide? It makes absolutely no sense.

CS Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed that it seems like when everything is going well, it seems like God is guiding you and always there with you, but the moment something horrible happens, it is like the door is slammed and locked in your face. This is paraphrased...obviously...but I find this interesting because I can remember feeling and thinking this. But the thing to remember is, if God is guiding you in the good times, why don't you apply what you apparently learned in that time to he was super vocal to the times when he seems to be silent? Its like how you handle yourself in a time of crisis shows your character...perhaps the hard times are to show you how strong you actually are. Just a thought.

I guess I wrote this post today to reflect and to put the thought out there that if you believe what you say you believe, act like it. Trust in God, because there is no one better to trust in. I know trust is a scary thing...but sometimes, you've just got to believe and let yourself go. God promised you that he would never leave you or forsake you...I can't imagine anyone better to trust. Give him the reigns, and I can promise you that you'll end up in a far better place than you could have ever taken yourself.

love,

jennie

Surrender is Stronger

So, its a new year.

Whoopie.

Most people do resolutions, but that isn't really my thing...but I just wanted to take a moment to let all...like 9 of you guys that read this thing in on my thoughts.

I've been hiding the fact that I'm not who I was, and that I am completely dismayed with myself right now. Maybe it is obvious, but I'm not sure. Basically, I've been let myself hold onto open wounds, letting them get worse. I've let technology and things fill my life. I've been noticing what a complete hypocrite I am. In 2 Chronicles, Chapter 18, Jehosaphat and the King of Israel were discussing prophets, but were not sure the other 400 something were correct, so Jehosaphat asked the king if there were any prophets left, and the king's response? Yes, there is one man, Micaiah, but I hate his prophecies because they are never in my favor.

Every time I read this, I laugh. How much more human could that statement be? Its perfect! It sums up human nature. Who likes someone that seems to be against them? Even if it is the truth? Well, no one! I say this to say, I'd hate for someone to actually speak out about the condition of my heart. Micaiah would look me in the eyes and say, "Jennie, something is not right and you need to fix it."

I guess you could say that thats my new year's resolution: to clean up my life. Well, my spiritual life that is. Don't get me wrong, its not in shambles, but its nowhere near where I need it to be. God can only work on me if I let him in. This is where the healing begins. I just wanted to tell you all that maybe I won't make sense sometimes, but that is to be expected. I'll be spending more time away from my phone, from the world. I am discovering who I am, and teaching myself a lesson here. Once again, this is a seemingly random post, but it makes sense to me. The walls are being rebuilt so that the city can be restored.

If I believe what I say I believe, I need to act like it. I need to follow through, and be a better me.

Look up the lyrics to Of Men and Angels by The Rocket Summer. That is kind of one of the ways I am feeling right now...well not the entire fame thing, but you know what I mean.

I pray that 2011 will blow your mind.

love,

jennie.

Sometimes I Think Out Loud...

In my opinion, there are few feelings in the world that are addictive. However right now, I have a top two...

The presence of God

&

Discovering myself

I realize that those may sound crazy, but it has taken me 19 years to actually recognize personality traits that I have.

I don't like mushrooms. I only like the flavors peppers leave behind, not the actual thing. The smell of Alcohol disgusts me. I like to have peace in my life. I have strong opinions about the Church and how it should be run. I feel like if you are condemning others, you are condemning the same thing within yourself. Stuff like that. Give or take a few rules.

But something awesome I have discovered along the way? By reading, I am able to discover things that I deem as true, false, or words that make me form my own opinions. Only some authors are able to help me discover myself though. Outside of doing my scriptural reading, Donald Miller, Francis Chan, and Shane Claybourne have been the only successful three...until I revisited an old friend today.

C.S. Lewis is the man in my opinion. Wise, and just so...inspiring in his words. Somehow, its almost as if some parts of me have been set free into whatever it is that they were feeling somewhere deep inside of me.

Lately, I have been feeling trapped by the world. I don't actually know exactly why, but I desire to move forward...but for some reason I feel as if I can't. I have discovered the beauty in solitude. Not like I'm a hermit, but sometimes I just need time to think. I know I am only a freshmen in college, but in all actuality, I'm seriously working towards my future...I've been putting too much energy into others while not realizing that sometimes its okay to take a day or some time to yourself to figure out your life. I have realized that I can't mess with things that only hold me down- but things that help me progress. That sounds entirely selfish, but I promise I do not mean it that way. Nor do I begrudge spending time with anyone or lending an ear- this is just general writing here. However, I do express the need for hope, progress, love, and help here. I trust that God is trying to teach me something here...because I cannot express these feelings through words, because I do not yet know what they are. As completely insane this entire post may seem, I guess it is just the mess of what I have been processing the past few months into one long writing.

Nevertheless, I am going to leave you with some C.S. Lewis quotes that I found beautiful this morning...

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing."

"I didn't go to religion to make me happy. I always knew that a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly do not recommend Christianity."

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others- you can tell the others by their hunted expression."

I suppose there comes a time where we must all discover ourselves, and this is as good of a time as any...

jennie.

Take your time

"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough?"

Yes, this is part of the lyrics to a Tenth Avenue North song, but this line never leaves my mind. One thing I say about Anderson to people is, it suffers from what I like to call "Noah's Ark Syndrome", and if you haven't heard of this horrible disease, RUN! Its like everyone is pairing off into twos because apparently God is opening the flood gates tomorrow and you NEED a mate like you NEED oxygen. I love guys and everything, but dear goodness, do you people really need to run so quickly? And on that note, do you need to spread it to me?!
I guess the point of this Blog is to talk about things that have been on my mind and heart lately, and this is one of them.
God created us to love and be loved, so we not only desire his love- but earthly love as well. But the issue in being human is that I find myself desiring earthly love-or even like, more than I desire God's. Within myself, I have a real issue. I'm a complete hypocrite! I tell myself that God has my heart, why should I want a fella? I've gone 19 years without one, what will change? I know I don't need one to survive.
But then I think "Man, it would sure be nice to have one."
Sometimes, I wish I could listen to my own advice. But I'll admit, it is easier said than done.
I find myself often treating God like Santa Claus- "Dear Lord, I'd like him!" Or "Dear Lord, can I have a guy? One that is funny and fun to be around? One that loves you? You know, if you send me a Christian guy, our relationship will bring us closer to you..." I call myself out on the complete CRAP in my prayers. This relationship, is between me and God so I better wait it out. What I really need to do is focus on loving God, and I know that the exact moment I least expect it, I will have someone. Too bad I'm so impatient. I feel like this is something God and I constantly work on; patience and understanding. Sometimes I go nuts because I have no idea of what God is doing and then BAM I was wrong. Obviously.
What I constantly lose sight of, is that in the end, the only relationship that will ever matter- is my relationship with God. (Not that I think my relationships are pointless- because they aren't- I just hope that you get what I am saying.) I say all of this to say, sometimes- we need to stop looking for earthly love, and let God love on us. If we let God love on us, we will never be disappointed- and in the end, we will come out with something better than expected. So, I will end this with one of my favorite lines from a This Beautiful Republic EP- you know, because that's how I roll.

God, " You can take your time- you've got my heart in mind"
-jennie


"You can take Your time, you've got my heart in mind"

The Forgotten.

Sometimes when you leave, it feels like people forget you exist. That, or they don't care.
After a while, you get flustered with the fact that almost no one returns any form of contact. Maybe that is once again a sign that NC has nothing for me except memories and some great friends. In a way, that makes me sad. But things change, and people change. Right now, I am praying for a heart that is at ease. I feel like I am constantly searching. But what am I searching for? To be missed? To find someone to spend my time with? The good little Christian girl in the back of my head says "God should fill that void" but I have God! There is just something else missing, and I don't know what. Maybe that is what is fueling my hurt from being seemingly forgotten back home. It blows my mind how people can tell you that you are so important when their actions don't show it.
Since I have been gone, I have heard from maybe 4 or 5 people from my home church. No one responds to text messages, to facebook, to anything. All I can say is, no wonder no one ever returns to our church. Out of sight, out of mind. My dad gets defensive and says "they ask about you all of the time". But asking dad about how I am, and asking me are two completely different things. It is hard being so far from home, but no one really thinks about that.
I guess it is my fault for falling in love with a school 9 hours away. I keep on searching for the answer to my heart, but I don't know what it is. For now, I pray that God will lead me to the answer quickly. Something has to change. I always keep in mind that this is only part of my story, and God knows what all of this is for. Maybe I just have to walk in the valley until the sun shines. Like I said in my last post, sometimes you've got to be lost to be found. I just pray that I am found soon.
Until I get inspiration again,
love- jennie

Home.

"Home is where your heart is"---How many times have we heard this quote?
For me, I think I'm just shy of 2,898,432 times. Not that I have kept count.

For the longest time, to me home was 105 Pinto Lane. For a little kid, that is where I felt safe. AND it made sense, I mean isn't "home" your house? Well, I learned that wasn't the case when we moved in middle school. Home was something more than four walls, it was a foundation, with a family inside. But what happens when the family is torn apart? What do you think home is when that changes?

Since May of 2008, I have been struggling with where exactly "home" is. Our physical house was still there, but everything inside of it had changed. I was all alone, with separated parents making trips back and forth between Mom and Dad's. Nothing was the same, and I never felt secure like I did when I was younger. I knew my parent's love was still there for me, but this wasn't the same. I felt lost in a town that I had always known, just waiting to find a place of my own.

As some of you know, I completely left everything I knew behind and moved to Indiana to go to school. This, this one place was my own. From the moment I set foot on campus, I just knew. This place was it. Over the last month, I have grown to dearly love this school, and the people here. After the years of constantly praying "God! Just get me out of here. Take me somewhere I belong. Take me somewhere where I know you want me to be!" I was finally here. I LOVE North Carolina, and I would do ANYTHING for my friends and family there, this is where I belong. I miss everyone so much, but I think that shows me how dearly I love them. Last week I got a card saying "Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know that they are always there." and how I have discovered that this is so true.

This weekend, I got the opportunity to stay with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin (and my cousin's awesome girlfriend) in Indianapolis. For me, it was awesome being around a full family again. I mean, my parents come together for my sister and I, but it is a completely different dynamic. My aunt and uncle are so in love, and it shows. THAT is what I want one day. For the first time in over two years, I felt at home just sitting there with everyone. Completely whole, completely content. Finally, I had found home. Maybe not in the East side- but here, in Indiana. With my family and at school.

For me, I have been reminded that God never leaves us, or forsakes us- even if we feel like it. I might question why I felt lost for the last two years, but I've realized- you've gotta be lost to be found. One thing has remained true in my heart, wherever I go- whatever I do- God is with me, and he is faithful. He knew I wanted to find "home" - and here it is. I just had to be patient and ride out the storm. I'm not saying my life is insta-perfect. Because that would be a flat out lie. I'm just saying- that I am grateful & things are getting better.

In the words of Switchfoot- "This is home, now I'm finally where I belong."

(yes, I just ended with Switchfoot. Don't judge.)

-jennie

This is a change

So, as many of you know- I just started college. My goodness, how much I love it here. I am so content, more content than I ever could have imagined. Normally, I am a homebody and love hanging out at home- easily getting homesick when I leave. However, that has not been the case here. My biggest struggle has actually been just changes within myself. It has only been a week, and I just feel...different. Never before have I struggled with body image- well not a lot- but here, it is a hard thing. These people haven't known me forever...they just know who they see. I watch guys and girls pair off like it is the freakin' ark and well, I'm like that one unicorn that didn't have a mate so I got left off the boat!(kidding!). I just never expected to struggle with not feeling pretty or feeling like there are hundreds of better girl choices other than me. I mean, this campus is nuts! I feel guilty in a way, because I feel like my heart should be yearning for God...but instead I am wanting a guy. Guys are undependable anyway! Sometimes I just hate being a teenage girl.
My heart is feeling kind of...mystified. I came to school knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life, and now, I am questioning it. My heart has been set on the Ministry for a long time. I know it is what I am called to do, but I just feel like the breaks came on all of a sudden or something. I feel like in time, everything will calm down and I will find my feet again. I just wish I knew what to do. My goal is to set my heart on God and if I find a guy, great. If not...oh well? All I know is, if I trust my heart to God- he won't hurt it. I guess that is something to remember.

Thanks for reading my whiny post, I hope your day is great!!!

"That's NOT What A Christian Would Say.."

Here lately, I have been noticing the double standards people have.
They add these Christian artists on Facebook, and then absolutely SHRED the artist to pieces the very instant they say something that said people find "Non-christian". I have watched these online Facebook showdowns, and I can tell you, they are NOT pretty.

Often times, we as Christians put these Christian artists, authors, and figureheads on pedestals. It happens, it is something that humans do when they admire people. However, we also tend to forget that these Christians we have hoisted up, are just like the rest of us. They aren't perfect, I mean, have you looked in the mirror today? I sure have and I can tell you, I'm nowhere near perfect. The sad thing is, with the level of scrutiny that goes on, these few people have been such jerks that if I encountered them as a non-Christian, I'd forget the entire religion as a whole. We are a body of Christ. What good is it to have one hand constantly slapping the other? It makes it harder for the body to hug the ones that need it.
The fact of the matter is, people forget that Leaders are people too...and they are going to say what they want to say. You can, can't you? Either way, at the end of it all, YOU only answer for YOURSELF...so, the same goes for them. Stop worrying about it, geez.
To the ones that like to judge,
First of all, it is not your place to judge. So, get off your high horse and come with me down to the ground. We are all really nice down here AND we serve cookies.
Second of all, when did "NAKED" become non-Christian?! ADAM AND EVE WERE NAKED ALL THE FREAKING TIME IN EDEN!
Thirdly, if you are SOOOOOOO in tune with Jesus, how could you forget about the plank in your own eye and try to get the piece of wood out of someone else's?

If we all just stopped judging our fellow Christians' actions, and put all of that focus on loving other people, just THINK of what we could accomplish. I struggle with judging too, but I just don't know when it became okay to rip others apart. I understand that some of you think that I probably am wrong, and think that leaders should set an example. Well, they should. But none of the things that have been said are questionable. When the Christian leader starts talking about gathering pitchforks and hanging the nearest Rabbi, THEN we will talk.

Remember to love others as Christ loves us.

Until then,
Jen