Surrender is Stronger

So, its a new year.

Whoopie.

Most people do resolutions, but that isn't really my thing...but I just wanted to take a moment to let all...like 9 of you guys that read this thing in on my thoughts.

I've been hiding the fact that I'm not who I was, and that I am completely dismayed with myself right now. Maybe it is obvious, but I'm not sure. Basically, I've been let myself hold onto open wounds, letting them get worse. I've let technology and things fill my life. I've been noticing what a complete hypocrite I am. In 2 Chronicles, Chapter 18, Jehosaphat and the King of Israel were discussing prophets, but were not sure the other 400 something were correct, so Jehosaphat asked the king if there were any prophets left, and the king's response? Yes, there is one man, Micaiah, but I hate his prophecies because they are never in my favor.

Every time I read this, I laugh. How much more human could that statement be? Its perfect! It sums up human nature. Who likes someone that seems to be against them? Even if it is the truth? Well, no one! I say this to say, I'd hate for someone to actually speak out about the condition of my heart. Micaiah would look me in the eyes and say, "Jennie, something is not right and you need to fix it."

I guess you could say that thats my new year's resolution: to clean up my life. Well, my spiritual life that is. Don't get me wrong, its not in shambles, but its nowhere near where I need it to be. God can only work on me if I let him in. This is where the healing begins. I just wanted to tell you all that maybe I won't make sense sometimes, but that is to be expected. I'll be spending more time away from my phone, from the world. I am discovering who I am, and teaching myself a lesson here. Once again, this is a seemingly random post, but it makes sense to me. The walls are being rebuilt so that the city can be restored.

If I believe what I say I believe, I need to act like it. I need to follow through, and be a better me.

Look up the lyrics to Of Men and Angels by The Rocket Summer. That is kind of one of the ways I am feeling right now...well not the entire fame thing, but you know what I mean.

I pray that 2011 will blow your mind.

love,

jennie.

Sometimes I Think Out Loud...

In my opinion, there are few feelings in the world that are addictive. However right now, I have a top two...

The presence of God

&

Discovering myself

I realize that those may sound crazy, but it has taken me 19 years to actually recognize personality traits that I have.

I don't like mushrooms. I only like the flavors peppers leave behind, not the actual thing. The smell of Alcohol disgusts me. I like to have peace in my life. I have strong opinions about the Church and how it should be run. I feel like if you are condemning others, you are condemning the same thing within yourself. Stuff like that. Give or take a few rules.

But something awesome I have discovered along the way? By reading, I am able to discover things that I deem as true, false, or words that make me form my own opinions. Only some authors are able to help me discover myself though. Outside of doing my scriptural reading, Donald Miller, Francis Chan, and Shane Claybourne have been the only successful three...until I revisited an old friend today.

C.S. Lewis is the man in my opinion. Wise, and just so...inspiring in his words. Somehow, its almost as if some parts of me have been set free into whatever it is that they were feeling somewhere deep inside of me.

Lately, I have been feeling trapped by the world. I don't actually know exactly why, but I desire to move forward...but for some reason I feel as if I can't. I have discovered the beauty in solitude. Not like I'm a hermit, but sometimes I just need time to think. I know I am only a freshmen in college, but in all actuality, I'm seriously working towards my future...I've been putting too much energy into others while not realizing that sometimes its okay to take a day or some time to yourself to figure out your life. I have realized that I can't mess with things that only hold me down- but things that help me progress. That sounds entirely selfish, but I promise I do not mean it that way. Nor do I begrudge spending time with anyone or lending an ear- this is just general writing here. However, I do express the need for hope, progress, love, and help here. I trust that God is trying to teach me something here...because I cannot express these feelings through words, because I do not yet know what they are. As completely insane this entire post may seem, I guess it is just the mess of what I have been processing the past few months into one long writing.

Nevertheless, I am going to leave you with some C.S. Lewis quotes that I found beautiful this morning...

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing."

"I didn't go to religion to make me happy. I always knew that a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly do not recommend Christianity."

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others- you can tell the others by their hunted expression."

I suppose there comes a time where we must all discover ourselves, and this is as good of a time as any...

jennie.

Take your time

"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough?"

Yes, this is part of the lyrics to a Tenth Avenue North song, but this line never leaves my mind. One thing I say about Anderson to people is, it suffers from what I like to call "Noah's Ark Syndrome", and if you haven't heard of this horrible disease, RUN! Its like everyone is pairing off into twos because apparently God is opening the flood gates tomorrow and you NEED a mate like you NEED oxygen. I love guys and everything, but dear goodness, do you people really need to run so quickly? And on that note, do you need to spread it to me?!
I guess the point of this Blog is to talk about things that have been on my mind and heart lately, and this is one of them.
God created us to love and be loved, so we not only desire his love- but earthly love as well. But the issue in being human is that I find myself desiring earthly love-or even like, more than I desire God's. Within myself, I have a real issue. I'm a complete hypocrite! I tell myself that God has my heart, why should I want a fella? I've gone 19 years without one, what will change? I know I don't need one to survive.
But then I think "Man, it would sure be nice to have one."
Sometimes, I wish I could listen to my own advice. But I'll admit, it is easier said than done.
I find myself often treating God like Santa Claus- "Dear Lord, I'd like him!" Or "Dear Lord, can I have a guy? One that is funny and fun to be around? One that loves you? You know, if you send me a Christian guy, our relationship will bring us closer to you..." I call myself out on the complete CRAP in my prayers. This relationship, is between me and God so I better wait it out. What I really need to do is focus on loving God, and I know that the exact moment I least expect it, I will have someone. Too bad I'm so impatient. I feel like this is something God and I constantly work on; patience and understanding. Sometimes I go nuts because I have no idea of what God is doing and then BAM I was wrong. Obviously.
What I constantly lose sight of, is that in the end, the only relationship that will ever matter- is my relationship with God. (Not that I think my relationships are pointless- because they aren't- I just hope that you get what I am saying.) I say all of this to say, sometimes- we need to stop looking for earthly love, and let God love on us. If we let God love on us, we will never be disappointed- and in the end, we will come out with something better than expected. So, I will end this with one of my favorite lines from a This Beautiful Republic EP- you know, because that's how I roll.

God, " You can take your time- you've got my heart in mind"
-jennie


"You can take Your time, you've got my heart in mind"

The Forgotten.

Sometimes when you leave, it feels like people forget you exist. That, or they don't care.
After a while, you get flustered with the fact that almost no one returns any form of contact. Maybe that is once again a sign that NC has nothing for me except memories and some great friends. In a way, that makes me sad. But things change, and people change. Right now, I am praying for a heart that is at ease. I feel like I am constantly searching. But what am I searching for? To be missed? To find someone to spend my time with? The good little Christian girl in the back of my head says "God should fill that void" but I have God! There is just something else missing, and I don't know what. Maybe that is what is fueling my hurt from being seemingly forgotten back home. It blows my mind how people can tell you that you are so important when their actions don't show it.
Since I have been gone, I have heard from maybe 4 or 5 people from my home church. No one responds to text messages, to facebook, to anything. All I can say is, no wonder no one ever returns to our church. Out of sight, out of mind. My dad gets defensive and says "they ask about you all of the time". But asking dad about how I am, and asking me are two completely different things. It is hard being so far from home, but no one really thinks about that.
I guess it is my fault for falling in love with a school 9 hours away. I keep on searching for the answer to my heart, but I don't know what it is. For now, I pray that God will lead me to the answer quickly. Something has to change. I always keep in mind that this is only part of my story, and God knows what all of this is for. Maybe I just have to walk in the valley until the sun shines. Like I said in my last post, sometimes you've got to be lost to be found. I just pray that I am found soon.
Until I get inspiration again,
love- jennie

Home.

"Home is where your heart is"---How many times have we heard this quote?
For me, I think I'm just shy of 2,898,432 times. Not that I have kept count.

For the longest time, to me home was 105 Pinto Lane. For a little kid, that is where I felt safe. AND it made sense, I mean isn't "home" your house? Well, I learned that wasn't the case when we moved in middle school. Home was something more than four walls, it was a foundation, with a family inside. But what happens when the family is torn apart? What do you think home is when that changes?

Since May of 2008, I have been struggling with where exactly "home" is. Our physical house was still there, but everything inside of it had changed. I was all alone, with separated parents making trips back and forth between Mom and Dad's. Nothing was the same, and I never felt secure like I did when I was younger. I knew my parent's love was still there for me, but this wasn't the same. I felt lost in a town that I had always known, just waiting to find a place of my own.

As some of you know, I completely left everything I knew behind and moved to Indiana to go to school. This, this one place was my own. From the moment I set foot on campus, I just knew. This place was it. Over the last month, I have grown to dearly love this school, and the people here. After the years of constantly praying "God! Just get me out of here. Take me somewhere I belong. Take me somewhere where I know you want me to be!" I was finally here. I LOVE North Carolina, and I would do ANYTHING for my friends and family there, this is where I belong. I miss everyone so much, but I think that shows me how dearly I love them. Last week I got a card saying "Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know that they are always there." and how I have discovered that this is so true.

This weekend, I got the opportunity to stay with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin (and my cousin's awesome girlfriend) in Indianapolis. For me, it was awesome being around a full family again. I mean, my parents come together for my sister and I, but it is a completely different dynamic. My aunt and uncle are so in love, and it shows. THAT is what I want one day. For the first time in over two years, I felt at home just sitting there with everyone. Completely whole, completely content. Finally, I had found home. Maybe not in the East side- but here, in Indiana. With my family and at school.

For me, I have been reminded that God never leaves us, or forsakes us- even if we feel like it. I might question why I felt lost for the last two years, but I've realized- you've gotta be lost to be found. One thing has remained true in my heart, wherever I go- whatever I do- God is with me, and he is faithful. He knew I wanted to find "home" - and here it is. I just had to be patient and ride out the storm. I'm not saying my life is insta-perfect. Because that would be a flat out lie. I'm just saying- that I am grateful & things are getting better.

In the words of Switchfoot- "This is home, now I'm finally where I belong."

(yes, I just ended with Switchfoot. Don't judge.)

-jennie

This is a change

So, as many of you know- I just started college. My goodness, how much I love it here. I am so content, more content than I ever could have imagined. Normally, I am a homebody and love hanging out at home- easily getting homesick when I leave. However, that has not been the case here. My biggest struggle has actually been just changes within myself. It has only been a week, and I just feel...different. Never before have I struggled with body image- well not a lot- but here, it is a hard thing. These people haven't known me forever...they just know who they see. I watch guys and girls pair off like it is the freakin' ark and well, I'm like that one unicorn that didn't have a mate so I got left off the boat!(kidding!). I just never expected to struggle with not feeling pretty or feeling like there are hundreds of better girl choices other than me. I mean, this campus is nuts! I feel guilty in a way, because I feel like my heart should be yearning for God...but instead I am wanting a guy. Guys are undependable anyway! Sometimes I just hate being a teenage girl.
My heart is feeling kind of...mystified. I came to school knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life, and now, I am questioning it. My heart has been set on the Ministry for a long time. I know it is what I am called to do, but I just feel like the breaks came on all of a sudden or something. I feel like in time, everything will calm down and I will find my feet again. I just wish I knew what to do. My goal is to set my heart on God and if I find a guy, great. If not...oh well? All I know is, if I trust my heart to God- he won't hurt it. I guess that is something to remember.

Thanks for reading my whiny post, I hope your day is great!!!

"That's NOT What A Christian Would Say.."

Here lately, I have been noticing the double standards people have.
They add these Christian artists on Facebook, and then absolutely SHRED the artist to pieces the very instant they say something that said people find "Non-christian". I have watched these online Facebook showdowns, and I can tell you, they are NOT pretty.

Often times, we as Christians put these Christian artists, authors, and figureheads on pedestals. It happens, it is something that humans do when they admire people. However, we also tend to forget that these Christians we have hoisted up, are just like the rest of us. They aren't perfect, I mean, have you looked in the mirror today? I sure have and I can tell you, I'm nowhere near perfect. The sad thing is, with the level of scrutiny that goes on, these few people have been such jerks that if I encountered them as a non-Christian, I'd forget the entire religion as a whole. We are a body of Christ. What good is it to have one hand constantly slapping the other? It makes it harder for the body to hug the ones that need it.
The fact of the matter is, people forget that Leaders are people too...and they are going to say what they want to say. You can, can't you? Either way, at the end of it all, YOU only answer for YOURSELF...so, the same goes for them. Stop worrying about it, geez.
To the ones that like to judge,
First of all, it is not your place to judge. So, get off your high horse and come with me down to the ground. We are all really nice down here AND we serve cookies.
Second of all, when did "NAKED" become non-Christian?! ADAM AND EVE WERE NAKED ALL THE FREAKING TIME IN EDEN!
Thirdly, if you are SOOOOOOO in tune with Jesus, how could you forget about the plank in your own eye and try to get the piece of wood out of someone else's?

If we all just stopped judging our fellow Christians' actions, and put all of that focus on loving other people, just THINK of what we could accomplish. I struggle with judging too, but I just don't know when it became okay to rip others apart. I understand that some of you think that I probably am wrong, and think that leaders should set an example. Well, they should. But none of the things that have been said are questionable. When the Christian leader starts talking about gathering pitchforks and hanging the nearest Rabbi, THEN we will talk.

Remember to love others as Christ loves us.

Until then,
Jen