Just a Shout Out

So, as you all could tell- I've really been struggling this past week. I just wanted to write to you and say I'm sorry if I come across as bitter, harsh, or a whiner. Blogging is my thing, and this is how I let stuff out. We all have our weeks- and this has just been mine. From being super stressed- to bruising my tail bone, you guys have heard...or read it all. I'm not a bitter debbie downer, and I don't want you all to think that. I just try to be honest with my struggles so that you all might not feel so alone if you feel the same way. Thanks for reading my thoughts, kids. A new day is on the horizon :)

love,

-jennie

Ramblings of a Hungry Kid...

So, as most of you know I am doing this thing called The Daniel Fast...

Don't worry, this is the type of fasting you can talk about.

The past three days have been a real struggle both physically and mentally. But as life normally is, it has not been short on blessings.

I'm starting to realize, that things like food are just things of instant gratification. Like "ooh, that piece of cake looks good, I think I'll have one..." and BOOM! Desire fulfilled. But how many other things in our lives can we apply that to? Almost everything. The world today is filled with what I like to call "on demand" things. We have the internet, which can find what we are looking for almost instantly, we have fast food restaurants that give us food (almost) instantly, for goodness sakes, we have on- demand television. But as helpful and nice as it all is, it cheats us out of different gifts...like the gift of patience.

I can't lie, a struggle I have had recently is my single status. No matter how hard I pray, no matter how good I feel about where I am in life, I feel like I'm getting nothing. Like the big guy can't hear me. Then I think, well is what I'm asking for absurd? No...I don't think so. I mean, it is said that God knows the desires of your heart...and ask and it will be given to you...but why isn't anything happening? Why do I pray for contentment, when I do not receive it? But then it is pointed out to me, that I'm praying for the wrong thing...I need to pray for patience.

Patience and I...we aren't too great of friends. If I could, I would totally ask God for a written out plan for my life...but things don't work like that, now do they? I'm so used to getting what I ask for almost instantly, and now...I feel like I am entitled to insta-man! As nice as that would be, I have to come to terms that maybe what I am waiting for is just around the corner- and I just need to be patient and wait just a little longer. I realized, that I am content. I have amazing friends, an amazing family...my life, it is good. If this is my biggest complaint to God...then really, I have nothing to begrudge at all. There is more to this world than me. I should be more worried about the starving, hurting, and homeless. I should concentrate more on others than myself, and one day- when I least expect it- something amazing will happen.

So as lame as I feel about this...there it is guys. We all have struggles- and this is mine. I'm on day 3 of the fast, and well- I'm excited to see what God has in store.

But one thing I have realized, is that in this instant gratification thing, my valentines day has been instantly fixed, I'll spend it loving others, and the One that loves me the most. (I think we all know who that is....and if you don't it starts with a G and ends with od. Just if you were wondering...) Sorry to be so corny, but it is the truth. BTW- I AM SOOOO STILL WEARING BLACK! haha

Thanks for reading this post, guys :) Now, I've got to run to class.

-jennie

Thoughts.

Does the fact that I feel too weak to fight for what I want mean I'm lazy? I mean, stemming from my past- that every time I've fought for what I wanted, the battle was won by someone else?

Sometimes I wish that the scars left on my life weren't there. I wish that I could just move past it all and live without fear, but that is impossible. I blame God, when I know I shouldn't, for letting me get hurt. But why blame him when I said that I trusted him and then took things upon myself? Perhaps I am impatient and selfish...that could very well be true...but if God knows the desires of my heart, why wouldn't he grant me that? Yes, I know that his timing is perfect, and that he has reasons beyond my knowledge, but sometimes I just wish he would bless me with contentment. I am content sometimes...but the moment I celebrate my contentment, it is taken away once more. Yes, I realize that I sound like a whiny child...but you know we all think it! And if I'm the only one...whoops!

I firmly believe in God, and his plan for my life...my question is, when will my hopes and dreams be fulfilled? I love God, and I will follow him wherever he leads...but sometimes, I just wonder why I feel the way I do...and then, I realize I am only human.

I am starting a 21 day Fast today, and I will be praying for contentment, strength, and searching for other answers in my life. I just needed to get some thoughts out this first day.

God will never leave us, or forsake us...even in his silence- I choose to believe.

-jennie.

Love.

Last night we all sat up and listened to a sermon given by my friend Ben's youth pastor. She spoke on Love.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a big fan of love. Not the mushy "I will love you forever", "Hey, let's go rent a Nicholas Sparks Movie" "love", but straight up love. As in, Love God, Love Others, Love the World. Besides, Nicholas Sparks movies make me bitter. Not a fan. But love, real love- I find it amazing.

Because I believe that love is real.

I have heard many times that "love" is a chemical reaction in the body and what not. Well, to an extent, yes, but love is more than that; it is a choice. Love is loving and supporting someone and listening to them, even when you are in the worst mood and completely exhausted. Its being there with the person when it feels like everyone has walked away. Love is placing someone higher than yourself and doing all that you can to insure that they are okay. Love knows no bounds and yes, often requires sacrifice. Love is selfless.

I aim to love, and honestly- I don't expect to be loved in return.

I am called to love. Yes, I know that sounds weird- but we all are. God sets the example- and we are to follow.

Just look at who Jesus spent his time with; the lowest of the low. He was constantly loving everyone around him, even if it hurt. Heck, he even loved Judas after the betrayal. I often feel like people and the church forget what love actually is. They forget why the church was created.

Just a reminder: The church was created to carry out the works of Christ. AKA: WE NEED TO BE LOVING PEOPLE AND HELPING THEM! It is time to stop passing judgement and love.

Love can be the most freeing thing on earth. Yes, it can come with a price, but in the end- it will all be restored and worth it.

Sometimes, I feel like people think that "love" really is that corny poo that is found in most Nicholas Sparks movies. As you can tell, I don't watch anything Nicholas Sparks...personally, I think that it over idealizes certain situations and raises people's expectations. Not that I don't believe it could happen- but I feel like girls get all sorts of ideas in their heads and condemn the heck out of the poor guy next to them that isn't a model/actor professing his undying love for her on the spot. Plus, I feel like it tarnishes love. Like I said, love is more than just a feeling, and well, this doesn't exactly show all that love can be.

Romantic love and what not is filled with emotion and feeling, but yet again, it also plays into making a choice (and everything I have already talked about). Every day, we choose to love.

I challenge all of you to choose to love. Just to love. It will be difficult at times, but love never fails. Love as the Father loves you.

Don't think I am just saying this, I believe it. And no, I am not naive. Love can change people, situations, and your life.

LOVE,

jennie

The Trust Issue

Let's face it, I think we all have trust issues. We are all scared that something or someone is going to come along, and disrupt and or destroy your life.

I know I have that fear.

I talk a lot about how if you decide to follow Christ, live it out. Well, if you say you trust in God...I think the only logical thing to do is act like it. Stop trying to take the reigns back on your life, because in the end...you'll end up in a ditch somewhere. Maybe literally, but hopefully we are just talking metaphorically right now. (Yes, I felt like imagining two people trying to direct a horse drawn carriage...just stick with the corny imagery for effect, okay?)

My question is, why would the creator of the universe try to ruin you? Exactly, he wouldn't. He has your best interest at heart, and only wants the best for you. Why do we all try to fight the tide? It makes absolutely no sense.

CS Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed that it seems like when everything is going well, it seems like God is guiding you and always there with you, but the moment something horrible happens, it is like the door is slammed and locked in your face. This is paraphrased...obviously...but I find this interesting because I can remember feeling and thinking this. But the thing to remember is, if God is guiding you in the good times, why don't you apply what you apparently learned in that time to he was super vocal to the times when he seems to be silent? Its like how you handle yourself in a time of crisis shows your character...perhaps the hard times are to show you how strong you actually are. Just a thought.

I guess I wrote this post today to reflect and to put the thought out there that if you believe what you say you believe, act like it. Trust in God, because there is no one better to trust in. I know trust is a scary thing...but sometimes, you've just got to believe and let yourself go. God promised you that he would never leave you or forsake you...I can't imagine anyone better to trust. Give him the reigns, and I can promise you that you'll end up in a far better place than you could have ever taken yourself.

love,

jennie

Surrender is Stronger

So, its a new year.

Whoopie.

Most people do resolutions, but that isn't really my thing...but I just wanted to take a moment to let all...like 9 of you guys that read this thing in on my thoughts.

I've been hiding the fact that I'm not who I was, and that I am completely dismayed with myself right now. Maybe it is obvious, but I'm not sure. Basically, I've been let myself hold onto open wounds, letting them get worse. I've let technology and things fill my life. I've been noticing what a complete hypocrite I am. In 2 Chronicles, Chapter 18, Jehosaphat and the King of Israel were discussing prophets, but were not sure the other 400 something were correct, so Jehosaphat asked the king if there were any prophets left, and the king's response? Yes, there is one man, Micaiah, but I hate his prophecies because they are never in my favor.

Every time I read this, I laugh. How much more human could that statement be? Its perfect! It sums up human nature. Who likes someone that seems to be against them? Even if it is the truth? Well, no one! I say this to say, I'd hate for someone to actually speak out about the condition of my heart. Micaiah would look me in the eyes and say, "Jennie, something is not right and you need to fix it."

I guess you could say that thats my new year's resolution: to clean up my life. Well, my spiritual life that is. Don't get me wrong, its not in shambles, but its nowhere near where I need it to be. God can only work on me if I let him in. This is where the healing begins. I just wanted to tell you all that maybe I won't make sense sometimes, but that is to be expected. I'll be spending more time away from my phone, from the world. I am discovering who I am, and teaching myself a lesson here. Once again, this is a seemingly random post, but it makes sense to me. The walls are being rebuilt so that the city can be restored.

If I believe what I say I believe, I need to act like it. I need to follow through, and be a better me.

Look up the lyrics to Of Men and Angels by The Rocket Summer. That is kind of one of the ways I am feeling right now...well not the entire fame thing, but you know what I mean.

I pray that 2011 will blow your mind.

love,

jennie.

Sometimes I Think Out Loud...

In my opinion, there are few feelings in the world that are addictive. However right now, I have a top two...

The presence of God

&

Discovering myself

I realize that those may sound crazy, but it has taken me 19 years to actually recognize personality traits that I have.

I don't like mushrooms. I only like the flavors peppers leave behind, not the actual thing. The smell of Alcohol disgusts me. I like to have peace in my life. I have strong opinions about the Church and how it should be run. I feel like if you are condemning others, you are condemning the same thing within yourself. Stuff like that. Give or take a few rules.

But something awesome I have discovered along the way? By reading, I am able to discover things that I deem as true, false, or words that make me form my own opinions. Only some authors are able to help me discover myself though. Outside of doing my scriptural reading, Donald Miller, Francis Chan, and Shane Claybourne have been the only successful three...until I revisited an old friend today.

C.S. Lewis is the man in my opinion. Wise, and just so...inspiring in his words. Somehow, its almost as if some parts of me have been set free into whatever it is that they were feeling somewhere deep inside of me.

Lately, I have been feeling trapped by the world. I don't actually know exactly why, but I desire to move forward...but for some reason I feel as if I can't. I have discovered the beauty in solitude. Not like I'm a hermit, but sometimes I just need time to think. I know I am only a freshmen in college, but in all actuality, I'm seriously working towards my future...I've been putting too much energy into others while not realizing that sometimes its okay to take a day or some time to yourself to figure out your life. I have realized that I can't mess with things that only hold me down- but things that help me progress. That sounds entirely selfish, but I promise I do not mean it that way. Nor do I begrudge spending time with anyone or lending an ear- this is just general writing here. However, I do express the need for hope, progress, love, and help here. I trust that God is trying to teach me something here...because I cannot express these feelings through words, because I do not yet know what they are. As completely insane this entire post may seem, I guess it is just the mess of what I have been processing the past few months into one long writing.

Nevertheless, I am going to leave you with some C.S. Lewis quotes that I found beautiful this morning...

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing."

"I didn't go to religion to make me happy. I always knew that a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly do not recommend Christianity."

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others- you can tell the others by their hunted expression."

I suppose there comes a time where we must all discover ourselves, and this is as good of a time as any...

jennie.