Sometimes when you leave, it feels like people forget you exist. That, or they don't care.
After a while, you get flustered with the fact that almost no one returns any form of contact. Maybe that is once again a sign that NC has nothing for me except memories and some great friends. In a way, that makes me sad. But things change, and people change. Right now, I am praying for a heart that is at ease. I feel like I am constantly searching. But what am I searching for? To be missed? To find someone to spend my time with? The good little Christian girl in the back of my head says "God should fill that void" but I have God! There is just something else missing, and I don't know what. Maybe that is what is fueling my hurt from being seemingly forgotten back home. It blows my mind how people can tell you that you are so important when their actions don't show it.
Since I have been gone, I have heard from maybe 4 or 5 people from my home church. No one responds to text messages, to facebook, to anything. All I can say is, no wonder no one ever returns to our church. Out of sight, out of mind. My dad gets defensive and says "they ask about you all of the time". But asking dad about how I am, and asking me are two completely different things. It is hard being so far from home, but no one really thinks about that.
I guess it is my fault for falling in love with a school 9 hours away. I keep on searching for the answer to my heart, but I don't know what it is. For now, I pray that God will lead me to the answer quickly. Something has to change. I always keep in mind that this is only part of my story, and God knows what all of this is for. Maybe I just have to walk in the valley until the sun shines. Like I said in my last post, sometimes you've got to be lost to be found. I just pray that I am found soon.
Until I get inspiration again,
love- jennie
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Home.
"Home is where your heart is"---How many times have we heard this quote?
For me, I think I'm just shy of 2,898,432 times. Not that I have kept count.
For the longest time, to me home was 105 Pinto Lane. For a little kid, that is where I felt safe. AND it made sense, I mean isn't "home" your house? Well, I learned that wasn't the case when we moved in middle school. Home was something more than four walls, it was a foundation, with a family inside. But what happens when the family is torn apart? What do you think home is when that changes?
Since May of 2008, I have been struggling with where exactly "home" is. Our physical house was still there, but everything inside of it had changed. I was all alone, with separated parents making trips back and forth between Mom and Dad's. Nothing was the same, and I never felt secure like I did when I was younger. I knew my parent's love was still there for me, but this wasn't the same. I felt lost in a town that I had always known, just waiting to find a place of my own.
As some of you know, I completely left everything I knew behind and moved to Indiana to go to school. This, this one place was my own. From the moment I set foot on campus, I just knew. This place was it. Over the last month, I have grown to dearly love this school, and the people here. After the years of constantly praying "God! Just get me out of here. Take me somewhere I belong. Take me somewhere where I know you want me to be!" I was finally here. I LOVE North Carolina, and I would do ANYTHING for my friends and family there, this is where I belong. I miss everyone so much, but I think that shows me how dearly I love them. Last week I got a card saying "Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know that they are always there." and how I have discovered that this is so true.
This weekend, I got the opportunity to stay with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin (and my cousin's awesome girlfriend) in Indianapolis. For me, it was awesome being around a full family again. I mean, my parents come together for my sister and I, but it is a completely different dynamic. My aunt and uncle are so in love, and it shows. THAT is what I want one day. For the first time in over two years, I felt at home just sitting there with everyone. Completely whole, completely content. Finally, I had found home. Maybe not in the East side- but here, in Indiana. With my family and at school.
For me, I have been reminded that God never leaves us, or forsakes us- even if we feel like it. I might question why I felt lost for the last two years, but I've realized- you've gotta be lost to be found. One thing has remained true in my heart, wherever I go- whatever I do- God is with me, and he is faithful. He knew I wanted to find "home" - and here it is. I just had to be patient and ride out the storm. I'm not saying my life is insta-perfect. Because that would be a flat out lie. I'm just saying- that I am grateful & things are getting better.
In the words of Switchfoot- "This is home, now I'm finally where I belong."
(yes, I just ended with Switchfoot. Don't judge.)
-jennie
For me, I think I'm just shy of 2,898,432 times. Not that I have kept count.
For the longest time, to me home was 105 Pinto Lane. For a little kid, that is where I felt safe. AND it made sense, I mean isn't "home" your house? Well, I learned that wasn't the case when we moved in middle school. Home was something more than four walls, it was a foundation, with a family inside. But what happens when the family is torn apart? What do you think home is when that changes?
Since May of 2008, I have been struggling with where exactly "home" is. Our physical house was still there, but everything inside of it had changed. I was all alone, with separated parents making trips back and forth between Mom and Dad's. Nothing was the same, and I never felt secure like I did when I was younger. I knew my parent's love was still there for me, but this wasn't the same. I felt lost in a town that I had always known, just waiting to find a place of my own.
As some of you know, I completely left everything I knew behind and moved to Indiana to go to school. This, this one place was my own. From the moment I set foot on campus, I just knew. This place was it. Over the last month, I have grown to dearly love this school, and the people here. After the years of constantly praying "God! Just get me out of here. Take me somewhere I belong. Take me somewhere where I know you want me to be!" I was finally here. I LOVE North Carolina, and I would do ANYTHING for my friends and family there, this is where I belong. I miss everyone so much, but I think that shows me how dearly I love them. Last week I got a card saying "Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know that they are always there." and how I have discovered that this is so true.
This weekend, I got the opportunity to stay with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin (and my cousin's awesome girlfriend) in Indianapolis. For me, it was awesome being around a full family again. I mean, my parents come together for my sister and I, but it is a completely different dynamic. My aunt and uncle are so in love, and it shows. THAT is what I want one day. For the first time in over two years, I felt at home just sitting there with everyone. Completely whole, completely content. Finally, I had found home. Maybe not in the East side- but here, in Indiana. With my family and at school.
For me, I have been reminded that God never leaves us, or forsakes us- even if we feel like it. I might question why I felt lost for the last two years, but I've realized- you've gotta be lost to be found. One thing has remained true in my heart, wherever I go- whatever I do- God is with me, and he is faithful. He knew I wanted to find "home" - and here it is. I just had to be patient and ride out the storm. I'm not saying my life is insta-perfect. Because that would be a flat out lie. I'm just saying- that I am grateful & things are getting better.
In the words of Switchfoot- "This is home, now I'm finally where I belong."
(yes, I just ended with Switchfoot. Don't judge.)
-jennie
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)