Hallelujah

This week, I was asked to summarize this next semester into one word for how I was going to minister to the girls on my hall...and that one word came to my mind: Hallelujah.

You see, Hallelujah doesn't even begin to cover it.

Lately, I have been working through a lot. I have been under huge amounts of spiritual warfare (some of you will think I'm crazy, some of you will understand) and I've been dealing with a ton of trust issues, value issues, selfishness , restlessness, and jealousy. If you know me, I'd rather not be dealing with ANY of the above alone, needless to say we shouldn't add in the spiritual stuff.

You see, in dealing with these things...I have been doing a ton of yelling at God. I wouldn't recommend it...(this is where you imagine me humbly bowing and saying "Heavenly Father I come before you tonight to humbly say...WTF ARE YOU UP TO, MAN?!" ...kidding-- to an extent).

In these situations, when I am at my end and frustrated it is so easy for me to take it out on God. It is easy for me to stop praising him for all the little things and the big things. It is easy to become a hermit and stew about how you deserve more than this and how the Lord never listens to you and just gives all these x-number of people everything and you nothing. I mean, maybe you don't...but I do, and that is what I call the "ugly" side of my spirituality. I become a greedy bratty baby towards the Lord. What a serious shame.

You see, I serve the creator of the universe. The being that I claim created the heavens and the earth and everything in between. I claim to wake up every day and die to myself to live for this being that I know is present...and I have the gumption to act like a spoiled 5 year old.

Some days, my humanity embarrasses me.

I forget all too easily that if I claim Christ, I claim his timing; if I claim Christ I claim to be living for him and not for myself. I claim to love the least of these. I claim to love like Christ. I claim to be the hands and feet of Christ.

Why do I so often in a time of great frustration or trial hide my cross under my bed and forget everything I proclaim? Why do I suddenly become so much like Peter the night Christ was crucified?

I chose Hallelujah because the Lord your God is worthy of praise no matter what. We are infinitely blessed. We are not blessed because we live in the United States or some other wealthy country. We are not blessed because we can afford a car and college. Don't get me wrong-- those are blessings...but we are blessed because the Creator of the Universe chose to create us- and to love us beyond our faults. He chose to send his son to die a horrific death for our faults. We are blessed because he adores us whether we claim him or not-- we are blessed because to him, we are enough.

Hallelujah is sometimes the only word that I can get out lately. It is the word of "Lord, my soul is so broken and torn right now that I can't speak--but I will say hallelujah because you are worthy of my praise; because you will see me through this. Because you are sovereign."

I chose Hallelujah because if I teach my girls nothing else, I want them to know that the Lord is in control, and even when praising him is the last thing we want to do- He alone is worthy of our praise...

So,

Hallelujah! --"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”-- Joshua 1:9

Stories

Sometimes I lose sight of my dreams.

Don't we all?

I have dreams of living out this incredible story. I dream of loving myself, of being this powerful Christian speaker that is so in love with God that it radiates to those surrounding me. I dream of being a wife that is loved, a wonderful mother to children that I have both given life to myself, and those that I have adopted in with my love. I dream of writing books, and leaving a legacy.

I dream of being remembered as that person that just loved God and others with every ounce of her being.

But all too often, I catch myself far from my dream. Or, I feel like I'm far from my dream.

I know it is becoming a semi- obsession (but not really...yet) but Donald Miller has this quote that I love. A quote that I tell my students, but one I never really apply to myself.

"Every life is like a story. Whether its worth telling and talking about, though, is up to you. People set out with grand dreams of changing the world, falling in love, doing something amazing. But the drift towards the merely acceptable happens almost without notice. That does not have to be your story." -Donald Miller (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years)

I don't say this to state that I think that I have a boring story now. I've actually had a pretty good story so far. There have been good times, and there have been some really hard times, but in all honesty, its my story. I wouldn't change it. However, I feel like I'm drifting to the merely acceptable and I'm only 19. There have been amazing opportunities that God has laid out for me, and I know there are more to come...but I feel as if I'm stuck on the path. Maybe we come across pauses in our paths so that we can work on ourselves. So that we can take a break and allow God to fix what is broken within us. Maybe the pit stop is part of the journey.

Whatever the situation, I can't help but to feel like stagnant water. Do any of you ever feel like that? I know I'm not alone.

I don't feel any growth. But even worse, I often feel too lazy to even try to grow. How sad is that?! I spend more time complaining that I'm not growing and changing or reaching my dreams than I do actually trying to reach the dreams.

You know the lukewarm Christian that Paul writes about in Revelation? I'm who he is talking about. Neither here nor there, and just fine with the mediocre.

That simply cannot happen any more. Mediocrity cannot be my life.

I think as a blog, this is more of a resolution. A resolution to no longer be mediocre. I want to be the best version of me possible.

There is so much of me that has developed because I've tried to fashion myself after Christ, but there is also so much of me that is completely and totally human. But I guess the positive here is that I see it. However, there is another part to all of this. I've got to keep myself in check with my dreams. Do I want to leave a legacy that speaks for myself? Or do I want to leave one that speaks to how amazing my Creator made me to be?

I know and believe that God has created my life to do something amazing. I just have to remember not to take the credit for myself. I've got to remember to not let my humanity take over. Sometimes I can see what I desire in life so clearly that it makes me impatient. Like, I know what I want...I just want it now. And this is when my friend patience likes to show up and taunt me.

But you know what? That is the great thing about stories. They don't all happen at once. They take time. They move at their own rate, and each with their own different twists and turns. They all have characters that are stronger in some areas than others, all with different dreams, and the best part? They all have a different beginning, climax, and ending.

I think that is one of the most beautiful things about life. We all have different stories, and every so often, we get to choose who we allow in our stories, and who we merge our stories with.

Personally, I think that there is a moment when we either consciously or subconsciously decide which direction we are going to let our lives go. Do we follow the harder path that leads to a greater view? Or do we go down the easier path to the view that we are more comfortable with?

God didn't create us with curiosity and ambition to live a mediocre life with acceptable views. He created us to live to our fullest potential. To stand at the peak of the mountain and have your breath taken away by all that He has laid out for you.

He created us to live amazing stories. But he doesn't promise us perfect stories. Nothing is going to be perfect in this life. There are going to be hardships, there are going to be obstacles, there are going to be rock slides. We all have a choice though, get stuck in the hardships, or have a hand there to help us pull through.

I think this is the part of my story where I realize that I am my own biggest obstacle. This is where I realize that I have been empowered and made to live a great story. This is where I learn to truly forgive, where I learn how to let myself truly heal, where I learn to let my glass walls down. This is where I admit, I have been happier, and this is me choosing to move forward with my story. I honestly want to live a life that is worthy of "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Living a story worthy of telling isn't always going to be easy. But what is a good story without a few trials and tribulations? It makes the fact that you survived to tell the tale all the more sweet.

No more stagnant water. It isn't healthy. Live a life worthy of praise. (and I'm not just talking humanly praise here, people.)

Now, I can't lie...I've got to go physically sleep now.

Just My Opinion.

My question as of late is, who put faith in a box? It seems to me more and more people are buying in to commercialized faith that comes with "pre-set boundaries". Like its a small package that you buy at an absurd price in a department store.

I just don't get it.

Who decided that it would be a good idea to put human standards on a God that they claim to be Holy and more capable of things than any human. Too often I feel like people immerse themselves in boxes of belief. They feel that if they don't have an answer for every little thing that it is causing them to question their faith.

Just a reminder: Faith= Firm belief in something for which there is no proof: Complete trust.

We are human, it is okay to question, because more often than not, the questioning will make you stronger AND you usually come out with a more solid reason of why you believe what you believe.

Before you pass out thinking I am asking you to completely question every single aspect of your faith, just know that I am simply saying that you cannot settle for commercialized faith. You've got to have your own relationship, story, your own...well, everything. Fanny Mae's faith isn't what you're going to be held accountable for.

I think we as Christians like to spend too much time arguing among ourselves and too little time serving others.

My favorite argument? Creationism. While I believe God created everything, and Genesis and all- why put a human-day limit on everything?

2 Peter 3:8 says "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day."

I'm just saying, I find it completely reasonable to think that Gods' time isn't like ours, and who is to say that it didn't take thousands of years for the universe to form? Don't you believe that if God is the God you claim him to be, he can do that? I'm not saying that he didn't do it in 7 human days, because honestly I obviously wasn't there. What I'm saying is, don't put limits on God. Don't get into unnecessary arguments, where no one is going to see the other person's side, instead put that time to good use...like feeding the hungry or clothing the poor.

The thing about all of this is people don't really like that answer because it causes them to feel uncomfortable. Not much about faith is really comfortable. Why? Because its faith.

Its the beauty of Christianity.

I have this quote from Donald Miller that I really just love,

"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don’t really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don’t believe in God and they can prove He doesn't exist, and there are some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it’s about who is smarter, and honestly I don’t care."

I choose to care about others. Its not that I desire to be shallow and have no support to what I believe, because I do- I'm just suggesting that there are more important matters.

I don't want you all to leave this blog thinking I am some type of blasphemous Christian. All I am trying to say is, don't let your faith come pre-packaged in a box. Take time to find out who God truly is, and find your own convictions among scripture. Spend the time that you would be arguing with others about your opinions and spend time loving each other and loving those in need. Take time to stop arguing about the Bible, and actually take the time to share it. Don't argue about who Jesus is. Be who he is.

Be Jesus to the world folks. All these issues will die with your flesh, but the truth will live on.

Waiting

This week I have really been thinking a lot on waiting...as weird as it sounds. I think on waiting for things, and not settling for less than I deserve. Lately, I've been finding myself trying to beat down doors that obviously aren't supposed to be opened for me...and while I wait outside the door for it to be opened, I have really been pondering this verse:

"I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything, in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:11-13.

I have no idea why I try to make myself believe that I need more than I have now, but I guess that is just part of being human. Sometimes, we all want things that aren't good for us.

Everything will happen in it's own perfect timing.

Don't awaken change before it's time.

Don't move ahead before it's time.

Don't try to grow up before it's time.

Don't awaken love before it's time.

Doing anything before it's time will probably be disastrous, trust me, I know.

Things are going to happen, whether good or bad. We all just have to hold strong through the storm.

True contentment, well, for me at least, is when I know I'm doing what God wants me to do, or in a situation that God wants me to be in. That being the case, I don't know why I try to change things or get them rolling before their time. Let it be.

(no, this is not me being a lazy, non-go-getter, this is for those situations that you just have to wait. Just saying.)

Real

So, a few nights ago I had this weird dream that has really been bothering me...

In my dream, I had been asleep but woke up and went into another room to get something, and when I came back in the room, the rapture was happening. Like angel in the air (yeah, had a loin-cloth and everything- sadly cliche angel) and fire everywhere and low and behold, THERE WAS JESUS! So, what did I do? I fell on my face and said "Messiah! Please, remember me." But at that moment...I think the worst feeling I've ever experienced hit me- (or, one of them). I remember thinking in my dream "Oh, crap. I did absolutely nothing with my life and now, I don't have a chance to fix it." But the worst part is, Christ had no idea who I was...because I had only claimed his name my entire life, but never truly KNOWN him.

As much as I'd love to say that I mad this up, totally didn't. I can see it in my mind as if it had just happened. But the relief? I woke up.

I feel like everyone has different worst fears...fears of spiders and snakes, fears of tornadoes- heck, even fears of ladybugs. And while these fears are valid and I share the fear of the like first three...In all honesty, my worst fear is living for something in vain; Living like I knew God- but never actually taking the time to know him.

I give people a lot of crap for professing to know who God/Christ is,but living in a different way. But then I get to thinking...what is the difference between those people and me? I don't necessarily read my Bible daily like I should, and I tend to fall a lot, but in reality...I'm just as much of a hypocrite as they are...I'm just better with my actions.

CS Lewis has this quote: "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The one thing it cannot be is moderately important."

I guess my point in all of this, is that if you are going to do something- you either for it, or you're not. If you believe something- you either believe it or you don't. I know there are a lot of ifs, ands and buts in the grey areas- but in reality it can be either summed up one way or another.

Revelation 3:16 says "Because you are lukewarm-- neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth". I mean, God isn't going to literally spit you out of his mouth...but its saying- you either know him, or you don't. You either live for him- or you don't. I think for me, I've got to remember that at the end of my time, I don't want to look back and see all of the times that I should have done one thing, but did another. I don't want to have that "Oh, crap!" feeling. The feeling of knowing that I did all that I could do, the feeling of knowing that I lived for God- THAT is the feeling that I want to experience.

This really trickles into everyone's faith practice. I don't know of anyone that wants to see a "fake Christian". Let's be real, they annoy ALL of us. The world would probably rather see someone be real than be a hypocrite any day. Kind of like a sales- person (yes, I am using this example. No, I am not equating a Christian with a sales-person.) When you are buying something- are you going to buy from the guy that you feel like is full of crap? Or are you going to buy from the guy that you felt was real with you?

Unless you have a thing for greasy sales-people, you are going to go with the real person.

I just think that we all need to be real with ourselves and be real with everyone else. In the end, you either lived for something, or you didn't. Just be real, the world doesn't need another fake.

Personally, I don't care to lie to everyone else- and I don't care to lie to myself. If I am who I say I am, and if I plan on being the Minister/ Missionary that I believe that I'm supposed to be- I should probably start reflecting this more and more in my life.

Don't get me wrong, its not like I'm NOT who I say I am, I am who I say I am...I could just use some improvement. But couldn't we all? (is there any more room for another 'I'?!)

Anyhow, thanks for reading this somewhat random post. Couldn't be as random as my last one, right?

So...is the Messiah is going to remember me? Yeah, buddy.

Jennie

You

It seems like every time I go to write now, I just can't put words to my thoughts. Like, I know what I want to say, but I'm not quite sure how to say it- or maybe I'm just too caught up in which subject I'll chose to talk about next. There is nothing like finally getting your words out there- like you're finally being heard. Well, this post might be a bit different than the rest- but who doesn't like different?

I guess there is no better place to start with my thoughts than from the beginning.

My friend Kristin has this quote in her room that says, "Wishing to be someone else is a waste of who you are." Until recently, I haven't realized how true that statement is. I catch myself wishing I were someone else, looked like someone else, had traits and qualities of someone else. But for what? So that I could be "happier". I think what it all boils down to is insecurities that I've ignored for a long time that are finally surfacing in my head. Insecurities of going to a school with beautiful people, having friends that I feel are gorgeous while I feel well, less than. I don't say all of this to make you all think that I have low self-esteem or self worth- because honestly I don't- I think it all is just me deciding what voice to listen to in my head. Do I listen to the thought that says "You are NOT that pretty. This is why no guy ever takes a second look at you. Its all based on the outside. You need to fix that." or the one that says "You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are beautiful- don't compare yourself to the others. You are YOU. Sure, there may be room for improvement- but you can do it! Don't get yourself down." More often than not, the little demon singing the ugly song wins.

What? Don't be so shocked. I'm pretty sure everyone struggles with this. Even if we don't admit it. There is always a voice in the back of your head whispering lies to yourself. I think that this little voice, is what leads us to wishing ourselves away. We get so caught up in what we could be, and not who we are- so caught up in what we could have, instead of what we have. In fact, I think if people would stop longing for money, social "worth", relationships, etc. they would have the time to realize just how many awesome things they have in their lives! They can realize just how AWESOME they are; they can SEE their blessings.

God made you, YOU for a reason. He blessed you with special talents, thoughts, abilities- for a reason; so that you can USE them! Lets say you could just pick up a Cello and play it perfectly without even trying, but you really want to play guitar- and can't play it worth a lick. What are you going to do? Are you going to use your gifts and stun the world with you cello skills? Or will you chose to attempt to play the guitar- in hopes that one day it might actually sound like music? As random as this example may be- think about it. Why allow yourself to be down about something that you are bad at- when you could be celebrating something that you are amazing at!

I guess I just say all of that to remind people to celebrate who they are, and to love themselves. Concentrate on the good, and not the bad. Don't dwell in what could be; dwell in what IS. Be excited about who you are! Here, I'll set the example.

I'm Jennie. I have an awesome life! I have been blessed with an amazing family, and some awesome friends. I am able to go to a wonderful college, to pursue what I want in life. I may get down on my appearance some days- but I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I'm really good at making people feel comfortable and loved- and I can be loud and obnoxious- but also witty. People feel safe to talk to me- and I love being able to love on people. I may be single- but that is so I can concentrate on the friendships and people that need a little more love- and concentrate on spending more time with my awesome God- and I know that one day I'll be pursued. I'm not always satisfied with my life, but at the moments I need it most- God sends me little pieces of hope and light. I have been blessed beyond measure- and I can sleep knowing I'm safe and loved tonight- and that is the best thing I could ever ask for. Maybe I can't sing or dance- maybe I can't be organized- maybe I'm not the "coolest" person in the world, but I'm me and I know I'm who God wants me to be- and THAT is all I will ever want.

BE who you are, and don't be ashamed.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You."-Dr. Seuss

Yes, I ended with the Seuss. Appreciate it.

Agape

As some of you know, I have seriously been thinking of getting a tattoo. I realize that half of you want to pee yourself with excitement- while the others want to pee themselves in fear.

Before anyone pulls out scripture or anything...let me explain.

I want Agape on my wrist.

Agape- God's love.

I want this tattoo to be on my wrist as a constant reminder to myself that I'm not here by chance- I'm here to make a difference. I'm here to reflect the love that has been shown to me, and to serve. I want to be the hands and feet, I want to love like Christ loves-As unglorious and dirty as it may be sometimes. I want this to be a symbol to myself, and to others, a promise I am making. I will serve those around me. I will be a pastor, a servant, and a woman of God. More so than I am right now. I want to look back when I am 80, and explain to my grandchildren why I have this tattoo on my wrist. I want to know that I lived, and got that tattoo when I was 19 and remember where my heart was and to see how it grew over the years. I want to be reminded daily that God's love is the purest of loves, and the love that I am most unworthy of...I want to be constantly reminded to be humble.

Some of you may say, "Jennie- write it on a post-it or something! Don't permanently do this to yourself!"

While I appreciate this...you do things your way, and I'll do things mine. I am merely putting decoration on the temple.

I want to always remember that,

"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful." -Rob Bell

Just wanted to share.

-jennie