Surrender is Stronger

So, its a new year.

Whoopie.

Most people do resolutions, but that isn't really my thing...but I just wanted to take a moment to let all...like 9 of you guys that read this thing in on my thoughts.

I've been hiding the fact that I'm not who I was, and that I am completely dismayed with myself right now. Maybe it is obvious, but I'm not sure. Basically, I've been let myself hold onto open wounds, letting them get worse. I've let technology and things fill my life. I've been noticing what a complete hypocrite I am. In 2 Chronicles, Chapter 18, Jehosaphat and the King of Israel were discussing prophets, but were not sure the other 400 something were correct, so Jehosaphat asked the king if there were any prophets left, and the king's response? Yes, there is one man, Micaiah, but I hate his prophecies because they are never in my favor.

Every time I read this, I laugh. How much more human could that statement be? Its perfect! It sums up human nature. Who likes someone that seems to be against them? Even if it is the truth? Well, no one! I say this to say, I'd hate for someone to actually speak out about the condition of my heart. Micaiah would look me in the eyes and say, "Jennie, something is not right and you need to fix it."

I guess you could say that thats my new year's resolution: to clean up my life. Well, my spiritual life that is. Don't get me wrong, its not in shambles, but its nowhere near where I need it to be. God can only work on me if I let him in. This is where the healing begins. I just wanted to tell you all that maybe I won't make sense sometimes, but that is to be expected. I'll be spending more time away from my phone, from the world. I am discovering who I am, and teaching myself a lesson here. Once again, this is a seemingly random post, but it makes sense to me. The walls are being rebuilt so that the city can be restored.

If I believe what I say I believe, I need to act like it. I need to follow through, and be a better me.

Look up the lyrics to Of Men and Angels by The Rocket Summer. That is kind of one of the ways I am feeling right now...well not the entire fame thing, but you know what I mean.

I pray that 2011 will blow your mind.

love,

jennie.

Sometimes I Think Out Loud...

In my opinion, there are few feelings in the world that are addictive. However right now, I have a top two...

The presence of God

&

Discovering myself

I realize that those may sound crazy, but it has taken me 19 years to actually recognize personality traits that I have.

I don't like mushrooms. I only like the flavors peppers leave behind, not the actual thing. The smell of Alcohol disgusts me. I like to have peace in my life. I have strong opinions about the Church and how it should be run. I feel like if you are condemning others, you are condemning the same thing within yourself. Stuff like that. Give or take a few rules.

But something awesome I have discovered along the way? By reading, I am able to discover things that I deem as true, false, or words that make me form my own opinions. Only some authors are able to help me discover myself though. Outside of doing my scriptural reading, Donald Miller, Francis Chan, and Shane Claybourne have been the only successful three...until I revisited an old friend today.

C.S. Lewis is the man in my opinion. Wise, and just so...inspiring in his words. Somehow, its almost as if some parts of me have been set free into whatever it is that they were feeling somewhere deep inside of me.

Lately, I have been feeling trapped by the world. I don't actually know exactly why, but I desire to move forward...but for some reason I feel as if I can't. I have discovered the beauty in solitude. Not like I'm a hermit, but sometimes I just need time to think. I know I am only a freshmen in college, but in all actuality, I'm seriously working towards my future...I've been putting too much energy into others while not realizing that sometimes its okay to take a day or some time to yourself to figure out your life. I have realized that I can't mess with things that only hold me down- but things that help me progress. That sounds entirely selfish, but I promise I do not mean it that way. Nor do I begrudge spending time with anyone or lending an ear- this is just general writing here. However, I do express the need for hope, progress, love, and help here. I trust that God is trying to teach me something here...because I cannot express these feelings through words, because I do not yet know what they are. As completely insane this entire post may seem, I guess it is just the mess of what I have been processing the past few months into one long writing.

Nevertheless, I am going to leave you with some C.S. Lewis quotes that I found beautiful this morning...

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing."

"I didn't go to religion to make me happy. I always knew that a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly do not recommend Christianity."

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others- you can tell the others by their hunted expression."

I suppose there comes a time where we must all discover ourselves, and this is as good of a time as any...

jennie.